God damnit, life.

Why is it that every single god damn time I feel like I'm getting back to being my normal happy go fucking lucky self, my life throws even more shit at me that beats me straight fucking down again. It used to be the case that I was just depressed, now I'm fucking furious that for some reason my life and a few select people involved in my life has apparently just fucking decided that I'm not allowed to be happy. I come home, a little drunk, had a good time with two of my friends, and then bam. Down again. No Joey, you don't get to feel good about yourself right now. Other people get to feel good because no matter how much you try to be the nice guy, you're going to get walked all over.

Old lady winter

Winter is a bony old crone
Her fingers cracked and pale
She lives alone on top of the hill
Slowly going mad.

She's always screaming
And swearing at objects
Using made up words
To define imaginary objects

Those old crone hands
Reach into your heart
And pull it open
Letting the cold air in

At first it's nice
Like eating peppermint
Then it hurts
When it goes on too long

When you can feel it
Every single mote of dust
Being pulled in with the wind
And scratching up your veins

She'll die the way she's lived
Old and cold and and all alone
Up on that pale hill
With no one to mourn her passing
But the dry and scratching wind

Hey blog.

Hello blog, it's been a while, and so much changes so fast in life. My world is changing so fast right now, and I have no idea what is coming with each new day. I'm flinging myself into the world head first, and just kinda hoping nothing hits me on the way. I've taken my fair share of punches from life in the last several months. I've been the happiest I've ever been, and felt pain like I couldn't comprehend until it happened. I've loved every second of my life, and wished I could stay in bed for the rest of my life, sleeping it all away, dreamlessly, until I got old and died.

It's numbing, this rapid change of emotions and the way my life seems to be constantly falling apart and then pulling itself back together. I've had some great times surrounded by wonderful people, and then spent days without actually seeing another physical person and not saying a single word aloud.

I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm doing it. Somehow it's the scariest thing in the world, living my life plagued with uncertainty. In another way it is also comforting. Learning to be my own person and rely on myself. I know I can do all this, and I just have to prove it to myself.

I know nobody reads this, but it feels good just to know that somebody could. That somebody could show up and understand what I'm feeling right now. Or maybe they don't understand it at all. That's the beauty of it all, I guess.

I don't know what's worse, being depressed and miserable, or not feeling anything. Maybe the sadness makes me feel like I still care enough about things to actually feel sad about it. Sometimes I don't really know if I'm actually getting better or just getting used to how much anger and sadness I'm coping with. I hope I'm getting better. I certainly don't want to be miserable forever. Nobody wants that.

It's interesting to me how rapidly my emotions can change. I can feel completely apathetic and be a fucking wreck, and then I take a shower, get dressed, go see some friends, and things are suddenly fine, and I'm happy and I love and appreciate the people in my life.

Brother bullfrog.

In the peacefulness of a summer night.
Sounds seem louder.
I hear a moth flying into a light bulb.
Over and over again.
He doesn't quite get it.
But maybe he knows more than I assume.
He's persistent. I'll give him that.

The twang of a guitar the next street over.
And the glow of a campfire against the trees.
People talk, and laugh.
Summer means you're free.

Brother bullfrog out at the pond.
Singin songs long and low.
Heavy sounds from an old soul.
He knows what's going down.

Crickets in the yard.
They're close.
And quiet up when I come outside.
Power lines won't buzz til morning.
They just bide their time.

A summer dream poem.

I dreamed you were near me
The other night
Our words poured out to each other
Hearts on our sleeves
Something else in our eyes
More on our lips
Bodies twist and writhe
In the dead of night
Like stars drawn together
In beautiful collisions
We are doomed in gravity
Unable to escape
Or ever forget
Suddenly there
Together again
Because we can't stay away.

The light finally comes
The birds trumpet the dawn
I feel myself fighting
Resisting the Sun
A hopeless fight
And I sigh because
You weren't really there.



Oh that summertime, folks. Makes you think crazy things with the hot night air rolling in through the window. There are crickets outside, and maybe I hear a couple frogs. Crickets, you best cool your jets for a few, don't wanna give away your positions.
Apparently I'm having sex dreams again. Weird. That hasn't happened in a DAMN long time, although I'm not necessarily complaining. Three damn nights in a row, now. Who knows what's next.

On a completely unrelated note, today is my birthday! I'm a ripe old 23 this year. It seems like every year on my birthday I tell myself it's time to get my act together and be an adult. Well hell. Maybe I'm as "adult" as I'll ever be. I guess that wouldn't be the worst thing? I've definitely known a few people who are worse at being a grownup than I am. Growing up is overrated anyways.

Summer in my bones.

Hello, blog. Long time no see. It would seem that I'm not any longer being affected by the depressive episode I was having earlier this year, and it couldn't have come at a better time.

Summer is here! I've always had some rather strong emotions tied to the summer season, and I love it. It makes me long for times past. Like, really past. Like ancient past. The sun starts beaming hard and you can feel it beating under your skin, through your muscles and into your bones. It's a primal thing. I have a certain fondness for heat as well, and not just like comfortable heat. Awful, oppressive, glaring heat that makes you sweat and makes the power lines buzz. That constant summer drone of electricity in the air. Of course that kind of heat is miserable when you're in the thick of it, but I always look back on it fondly. Even the next morning, before the sun reaches it's sniper post in the sky and starts pumping the water from your skin, I like to take a little time and appreciate yesterday.

There's a twinge of sadness to it as well. The longest day of the year has already come and gone. A solemn reminder that all good things must come to an end eventually. Fall will come, though not for a while now, then winter and so on. That is the way of things. There will be droughts, hurricanes, floods, and storms. Then we rebuild while nature regrows. That is a beautiful symbiosis, a reminder that no matter how tall or how wide we build our cities, we can never escape being a part of the world around us. Hopefully an active part at that.

So until I'm red and in pain at even the thought of moving, I'm gonna try to enjoy the sun as much as I can. Bring it on. Try to beat me down with your sweltering fists. I'll just ask for more.

The body fails, and the mind races.

So exhausted right now. Barely slept at all last night for various reasons. I'll say this, though, whiskey doesn't help you forget about things you don't really wanna focus on when you're alone in the dark in the middle of the night. Quite the opposite, really. When you're with people and conversing and having a good time, everything is cool, but then as soon as that stimulus is gone, everything comes flooding back into the brain even stronger than before.

I need to make some decisions here, soon. I kinda know what needs to happen, don't quite know how I'm gonna go about it.

I hate drawing things out that involve multiple people, it just makes me resent them for some reason, even though they have nothing to do with my own procrastination, it's literally all me.
I think I'm too nice sometimes, I care too much about other people's feelings a lot of the time, and it seems like that kind of backfires on me.

Somehow I've come to the point where my own emotions seem insignificant but other people's mean everything. I guess I'm afraid of not being liked. Which really implies a fear of loneliness. Which I'll admit, I'm terrified of being just like really alone in the world. I can deal with some kinds of loneliness a lot better than I think most people do, but only for relatively short periods of time. When it gets extended I go kinda crazy. I will say I deal with it a lot better than a lot of my friends, I see them all seeing each other like basically every day. I couldn't handle that, I would hate it. Maybe I need to be with people I can identify with more? the people I'm thinking of at the moment just drink beer and yell at each other, even if in jest, it's infuriating. I need my solitude sometimes.

So why the hell do I put myself in situations that eventually guarantee loneliness at some point? Is it like some kind of character flaw? Is it a natural part of being a person and I'm just not aware that other people are the same way?