Sunday, April 10, 2011

The body fails, and the mind races.

So exhausted right now. Barely slept at all last night for various reasons. I'll say this, though, whiskey doesn't help you forget about things you don't really wanna focus on when you're alone in the dark in the middle of the night. Quite the opposite, really. When you're with people and conversing and having a good time, everything is cool, but then as soon as that stimulus is gone, everything comes flooding back into the brain even stronger than before.

I need to make some decisions here, soon. I kinda know what needs to happen, don't quite know how I'm gonna go about it.

I hate drawing things out that involve multiple people, it just makes me resent them for some reason, even though they have nothing to do with my own procrastination, it's literally all me.
I think I'm too nice sometimes, I care too much about other people's feelings a lot of the time, and it seems like that kind of backfires on me.

Somehow I've come to the point where my own emotions seem insignificant but other people's mean everything. I guess I'm afraid of not being liked. Which really implies a fear of loneliness. Which I'll admit, I'm terrified of being just like really alone in the world. I can deal with some kinds of loneliness a lot better than I think most people do, but only for relatively short periods of time. When it gets extended I go kinda crazy. I will say I deal with it a lot better than a lot of my friends, I see them all seeing each other like basically every day. I couldn't handle that, I would hate it. Maybe I need to be with people I can identify with more? the people I'm thinking of at the moment just drink beer and yell at each other, even if in jest, it's infuriating. I need my solitude sometimes.

So why the hell do I put myself in situations that eventually guarantee loneliness at some point? Is it like some kind of character flaw? Is it a natural part of being a person and I'm just not aware that other people are the same way?

Monday, April 4, 2011

Fuck you, world.

Fuck you, world. You're a fucking bastard. I'm going through a goddamn crisis and all you can think of to fuck it up is bring back shit from the past I would REALLY rather not be reminded of. God damnit. I can't remember having been this fucking angry in a LONG time. My fist was shaking a minute ago, just wanting to hit something and let a little anger go. Nope. Fuck you world, kicking a guy when he's down.

Especially like this.

If anybody reads this, it probably makes no sense to you, and probably doesn't involve you anyways. God help you if it does.

You ever have that feeling?

You ever have that feeling like you want to get something off of your chest and you know you have nowhere private to do it? That's right now for me. Even here in my little unknown, cobwebbed, dark corner of the internet, because I don't know who I know who, or how many people I may or may not know might read this.

If people I don't know read this, no biggie. You don't know me, you don't know parties A, B, or C. If people I DO know read this

God Damnit.

So let's say party A wants to give something to party B. This gift from party A is something very precious and should be an honor to get. Except party B doesn't give a shit about the gift and thinks that party A should be giving this gift to someone who will appreciate it way more. Because honestly, sometimes party B is an asshole. Party B is well aware of this.

Also there's a party C that apparently has no idea they are even involved in the equation.

Oh well.

Here's lookin at you, party C.