Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Hey blog.

Hello blog, it's been a while, and so much changes so fast in life. My world is changing so fast right now, and I have no idea what is coming with each new day. I'm flinging myself into the world head first, and just kinda hoping nothing hits me on the way. I've taken my fair share of punches from life in the last several months. I've been the happiest I've ever been, and felt pain like I couldn't comprehend until it happened. I've loved every second of my life, and wished I could stay in bed for the rest of my life, sleeping it all away, dreamlessly, until I got old and died.

It's numbing, this rapid change of emotions and the way my life seems to be constantly falling apart and then pulling itself back together. I've had some great times surrounded by wonderful people, and then spent days without actually seeing another physical person and not saying a single word aloud.

I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm doing it. Somehow it's the scariest thing in the world, living my life plagued with uncertainty. In another way it is also comforting. Learning to be my own person and rely on myself. I know I can do all this, and I just have to prove it to myself.

I know nobody reads this, but it feels good just to know that somebody could. That somebody could show up and understand what I'm feeling right now. Or maybe they don't understand it at all. That's the beauty of it all, I guess.

I don't know what's worse, being depressed and miserable, or not feeling anything. Maybe the sadness makes me feel like I still care enough about things to actually feel sad about it. Sometimes I don't really know if I'm actually getting better or just getting used to how much anger and sadness I'm coping with. I hope I'm getting better. I certainly don't want to be miserable forever. Nobody wants that.

It's interesting to me how rapidly my emotions can change. I can feel completely apathetic and be a fucking wreck, and then I take a shower, get dressed, go see some friends, and things are suddenly fine, and I'm happy and I love and appreciate the people in my life.

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