Learning more and less, day by day.

I've recently (read as: over a period of probably about half a year) gotten back into Zen practice, in a big way. Or a little way. That's the thing. Zen is suppposed to be a transmission outside of scripture, without letters and words. That's what makes it fascinating to me when people write about it. How can you use any kind of language to describe something that by the Buddha's own account exists outside of the influence of words? People try to do it anyways, and it usually ends up in a confusing jumble of non-words and gibberish. The idea of no-thing instead of nothing and concentrating on awareness without using thoughts seems absurd to most people, even moreso when you only read about it.

I've read the koans, and tried to meditate on them, tried to concentrate on them without thinking. Tried to exist without outside influence, tried to sit and just "be". I think I'm at a stage where I need to find a good teacher. I've exhausted my book resources. There is nothing left to learn about Zen, only to do. This is kind of hard for me. I'm such a scientific-minded person that it feels really strange for me to not try to study something objectively. But there are no theses or scholarly articles about Zen. Sure, there are articles about experiences with Zen, but nothing concrete, because it's impossible to study from the "outside", as it were.

As much as I would love to be able to objectively study Zen, I am always reminded that in a monastery, doing such a thing would inevitably result in a swift whack to the head from a master. It goes against the very nature of the thing.

The dog's Buddha-nature.

I've been thinking a lot about Zen again lately. My mind continually comes back to it again and again. I've realized that I don't care much for the westernized-makes-you-a-better-bowler-or-actor-or-whatever zen. There is something real there. Deep down. Deep inside of ourselves, really. A lot of people seem to make Zen out to be about some kind of self-improvement. I feel that Zen is a much bigger mystery than that (as much of a beginner as I still am). Actual realization is something we come by so very rarely in life. Of course realization can make you a better person, but that self-improvement shouldn't be the main focus. Search for enlightenment. Crave it. Seek it out like nothing else. It may seem selfish to just care about your own enlightenment, but once it is achieved, think how much you'll be able to benefit others in their search! Maybe it is selfish at times, but even Buddha spoke of "skill-in-means", if you are to break the precepts, but it aids the path to enlightenment, all is for the best.

I've also been thinking about koans, those riddles that seem to frustrate people to no end. Personally, I love koans, I love farming that sense of cognitive dissonance. If you just sit back on the couch and think about it and focus on the koan, it doesn't make sense. Of course it doesn't make sense! It isn't supposed to make sense. It pulls your mind in so many different directions it almost snaps. And it should snap. That's what we're all going for, the snap. When you turn into an old bearded lunatic living alone in the mountains, speaking in riddles and laughing wildly at the sight of a butterfly.

This too, shall pass.

That's what I keep telling myself over and over again. Usually this phrase springs to mind when I'm in some state of distress. Whether that distress be related to sickness, sadness, potential vomiting or otherwise. It has become sort of a mantra to me in times when I would rather be feeling a different emotion. I like that. I quite enjoy the impermanence if all things. Nothing will last forever, nothing has existed forever, and I love it.

Apparently this way of thinking can weird out some people, which I can only kind of understand. With my Catholic upbringing, I can remember as a child feeling scared because I knew that I would eventually die, but I didn't know when that would be. So I was worried that I might not do enough good things in life to outweigh the bad things I have inevitably done. But I've come to realize that I don't believe in a god anymore, nor an afterlife, and the knowledge that there is nothing after this life gives me a great sense of security. It's like a blanket can wrap my mind in, the comfortable knowledge that at one point we all will have our consciousnesses obliterated.

I feel like this life that we live is all there is, not a step in a journey, nor a precursor or afterthought to or from anything else. This is all there is. The "hereafter" for want of a better term, is completely devoid of all existence, therefore why the hell should we care, take the time to better yourself while you can. There is no reward for being a more advanced person, at least not beyond the obvious rewards in this life. But it kills the time until we die, and that seems to be what a lot of this life is about. Yeah, you could go live in the woods and go crazy by yourself, and that would be just fine, but most people don't seem to love that idea, and so they choose to live in a society. To be a member of society, you have to make money, or else you won't be able to eat or clothe yourself. But really, eating and clothing yourself are just things that are convenient to help the time pass.

People shouldn't be afraid of the "afterlife" because of the idea of eternity. If there is such a thing as eternity, then time becomes completely meaningless, and there may well be no end to an afterlife if it does turn out to exist. Yet if time is meaningless, then there is no beginning or end, and so nothing actually happens.

I'm rambling.

Intros and explanations

Okay, so I'll explain myself and what I'm doing here first. My name is Joey, I'm newly 22 years old, and I'm a college student (theatre major). I smoke too much, love beer, don't sleep enough, and have a naturally philosophical view of life. I analyze things a lot, probably mostly too much, which is fine, but it makes me kind of live in my head a lot.

I was raised Catholic by my wonderful parents, whom I love dearly, even if I don't say it enough.

Yet I am Catholic no longer, much more of a Zen Buddhist now, though I have yet to take my precepts. Along with that Catholic upbringing I feel tremendous guilt occasionally for things I shouldn't feel guilty at all about, this also leads to introspection and often I decide that I shouldn't drink or smoke or party as much anymore, but of course I do.

I also enjoy writing poetry and fiction. I've only been published in one magazine, but I've never actually submitted to any others, so who knows what'll happen down the line.

Anyways, all of this is here because I decided one night while in my room after reading someone else's blog how useful it could be for me to be able to keep track of things in one place, and maybe some other people will get some mild kind of amusement out of it, as I greatly enjoyed reading about what someone I'm barely acquainted with had to say about their life. So here it is.